21 weeks

1. Please excuse my crazy hair. I took this photo on Sunday, and as a matter of policy, I do not dry my hair on Sundays. It makes me less angry about having to dry my hair every other day of the week.

2. My bathroom is...institutional. Except for the lace curtains, you might think you were in a hospital. If I had a full-length mirror in the other bathroom, it would be more interesting but also more terrifying; that's for another post.

3. This is a hand-me-down shirt, and I love it. I also love that it is a small and somehow still fit.

20 weeks!

Actually, today is 21 weeks, but I guess I average about a week to download a photo from my phone and then post about it.

I was pretty excited when I realized that even though this sweater has always been too short, I can now wear it with a super-long maternity shirt and pretend I am going for the fashionably cropped look. I have also inherited three boxes - literally - of clothes from other women on campus (in addition to almost all of the big baby gear I could ever need, which puts yet another star in the "pro" column for living at a boarding school).

So, let's see. I've been feeling mostly better, a world of difference from this summer, really. I have also learned that when I feel tired or icky at work (which is pretty much every afternoon), I can take advantage of the lovely armchair in my office. I'm the only one who has one, and I am finding myself incredibly grateful for it, even though my reclined working position draws a lot of laughs from people walking by.

Our latest appointment was on Tuesday night - the big anatomy scan. On the plus side, the doctor told us our child has a beautiful spine. On the downside, she told us that because that was about all she could see. The ultrasound tech said the baby was in literally the worst position possible for this scan, and she couldn't get about half the images she needed. I'm going back, then, on the 2nd to see if we can get some more advantageous views, but  somehow I doubt it. Once again, this baby is proving it is my child - hiding from any form of camera. This next appointment, then, will make my sixth ultrasound, which I think may be some sort of record. Some women have only had one or two at this stage, which means I really may be a medical overachiever.

I'm still trying to get used to the feeling that everyone is watching me all the time. All of the faculty know, but the word is slowly spreading through the staff and students, so a lot of people keep randomly stopping me with congratulations. I'm trying really, really hard not to get fed up with people asking how I'm feeling. It feels so rude and ungrateful, but I get frustrated feeling like I'm constantly discussing my medical status. I know it's people being kind and considerate and that I would do the same thing in their position, but it's also weird to discuss nausea and all of that with coworkers and others I don't know terribly well. It doesn't help that those discussions are usually followed by comments in the way of "Get your rest now, because it's going to get even worse soon!" I know, as much as I can know without actually having experienced it, that I'm in for a difficult ride, but why must people act like that's all there is?

By contrast, a lot of my close friends have been the very opposite. They talk about things other than pregnancy, for which I am so grateful, because I don't want it to completely consume my life. And best of all, they tell the good stories, not the horror stories so many people are fond of. I was talking with a friend recently and she said,"Nothing will change your life more." I braced myself for the typical "Sleep while you can!" and "Enjoy your life now!" kind of comment, but then she surprised me and said, "But there is no better change in the world." It was the nicest thing to hear at this point, because I know it will be great, but all of these exasperated stories people spew out, combined with my already pretty impressive anxiety, make it hard to focus on that most of the time.

Now I guess it's on to the registering and the buying of things (yikes). What do I need??

the news

It's been almost five months since I last posted, and I have no really valid explanation. Just distraction, I guess? Since I last posted, life is very different, in some bad ways and in some very good ways. I went up to New Hampshire with my sister on father's day to visit our dad, and while there, we discussed how this year (2012, but I always think in terms of school years, so the 2011/2012 year) has just been a particularly tough one, for everyone we know. It's a little hard not to feel the "I guess we used up all of the good luck and now it's on to the bad" kind of reaction, but I have to admit I occasionally have that tendency. I'm working on it.

I'd rather not go into the bad parts, because a) I don't really want to dwell, and b) it would entail me discussing a lot of other people's lives for them, and that's just plain rude. So I will stick to the news that is mine to share, and luckily that stuff has largely been good! For that, I feel grateful, guilty, and a little terrified (we can discuss that some other time, but suffice it to say I am the type of person who gets a little nervous at a lot of good news, because I feel like it's tempting fate or something. I think I'm a closet pessimist.)

So, here:

1. My husband, scholar of scholars, graduated from law school in May. Turns out he finished 13th in his class! I feel like the whole three years went ridiculously fast, but I'm pretty sure he feels otherwise. Believe it or not, we still have yet to finish his graduation party circuit, as we will be capping it all off next weekend in Pennsylvania.

2. Said husband also took the bar exam in July. It sounds so simple when phrased that way, but it is anything but. It's truly   a sadistic test - 2 days, 12 hours total of testing, and any and all legal material is free game for test questions. Two days after he graduated, he started studying, using a 50-lb. or so box of books, an online course, and somewhere in the area of 12 hours a day for about 8 weeks. I am nowhere near disciplined to enough to have done what he did, and I am still in awe that he made it through the studying, let alone the test. And now, the great wait until September (September!!!) to find out the results.

3. He also got a job! Yahoo! This was a bit nerve-wracking, as the job market has not exactly been stellar for law school graduates, but he worked just as hard at applying for jobs as he did at studying, and it paid off. He starts in about a week, and to say that his employment is a relief is a grand understatement at best.

4. And, in the only bit of this news directly related to me: I am pregnant! It still freaks me out a little to say that, but I guess I have to admit it sometime. I'm at 16 weeks, still battling stubborn and pretty dastardly morning sickness. My doctor, who called me an overachiever at this whole sickness thing (and then urged me to try to be more average - ha!), finally convinced me to use a pump for an anti-emetic. They proposed the idea originally at 8 weeks, but the idea of medication made me too nervous (they say it's safe, but who knows?) and I declined it. Then, after two ER visits for hydration and a total of about 15 pounds lost, they suggested it a little more strongly. At this point, I was too defeated to protest. I spent almost all of June and July in bed, barely able to even make myself check e-mail, let alone check off any of the many summer to-do list items I can complete only in summer. I was at 15 weeks, thinking I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and then the two worst days I have had yet drove me over the edge. We spent our fifth anniversary evening in the ER (at least it was a memorable date!), and I admitted defeat. This Monday, a visiting nurse fitted me with a pump, which has so far (fingers crossed) made a world of difference. I'm eating! And drinking! I've actually left the house! I'm sure there are people out there who would criticize my choice to turn to the drugs, but I don't care - it was necessary. I'm going to try to get rid of it as soon as possible, but until then:

This is me and my unfortunately-conspicuous pump. The pouch is obvious, as is the tubing and syringe that protrude from one side. As J says, "You can't not tell people now."
I think I've mastered the art of changing the syringe and changing the infusion (needles! that I change myself!), and it's starting to get a little less cumbersome. My overly sensitive skin, however, means that I have to change the injection site more often and that my abdomen is quickly becoming covered in bruises. Still, I'll take it for now.

I honestly didn't intend for my first post about this to be about the negative aspects. We're excited, certainly, though still terrified, and so far everything looks good (though this morning the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat and had to do that thing where she quietly called for the nurses to bring in the ultrasound machine - luckily, it turns out our child appears to just be taking after me and was doing its best to hide). I know we will get more and more excited when I'm feeling better and the news is fully out in the open, and best of all, our campus is maybe the best place to live when you're having a baby. Everyone is excited and concerned and sweet, and that does wonders. So onward we go!

And thus ends an epic post, and I promise to try to post more. Hold me to it!

nature

Today was my crew team's first practice back on the water since we returned from Florida. It was a cold, windy, grey, ominous sort of day.

Fittingly, we discovered something fascinating on the riverbank as we rowed by:

Yup, that's a deer skeleton. Complete with skull, full set of ribs, spine, and antlers. Just hanging out in the water. Our river is officially, as my friend Conor would say, "stabby."

decorating

I found this linen while shopping with my mom and sister the other day. You can't see it well, but those are metallic gold dots and the background is a very bright cream. It looks nothing like what I usually pick, but I am fascinated. I would most certainly use it for curtains in my someday farmhouse, but where? Kitchen? Bathroom? Bedroom? Every single room in the house?

I think that last answer is right.

brighter

So far, today has been infinitely better than yesterday. By miles.

To ensure it would be better, I decided last night that in my class first thing this morning we would learn about subjective and objective pronouns, which is my most favorite of grammar subjects. How could a day that starts off in lessons of when to use "I" or "me" NOT go well? I know you were wondering the same thing.

Sophie Blackall

Have you seen Sophie Blackall's work? She's an illustrator who, among other things, started a project about the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. She picks those that have the best story potential and draws these incredible illustrations that imagine them so perfectly.

Her work joins the league of things (including movies, farmer's markets, and Design*Sponge home tours) that make me think I would really love to live in New York, even if only for a few years. Blackall's view makes it seem like a modern, spectacularly quirky Jane Austen novel, which really is the greatest thing ever.

I think they are beyond fabulous.